Top 10 Funniest Things That Ever Happened on My Ranch

These are my own tall tales from twenty years of lending and ranching around Stillwater, told the way I tell them at the sale barn coffee table.

1. The Bull Who Attended My Loan Meeting

   The day a two-thousand-pound bull walked into my lender's conference room and sat through the whole meeting better than I did.

2. The Checklist That Flew to Kansas

   A windy March morning, one open truck window and a loan checklist that traveled farther than my heifers ever have, all the way to Kansas.

3. The Rooster Who Rang the Dinner Bell

   A Rhode Island Red named Pastor Dwight learned my loan officer's visit schedule and rang the old dinner bell for every single one of them.

4. The Day the Tornado Siren Called the Cows

   Our town's monthly siren test taught my whole herd to line up at the barn for supper, and nobody could ever convince them to stop.

5. The Spreadsheet Named for the Heifers

   I named every heifer after a budget line item, and the quarterly review at the kitchen table became the most confusing hour of my life.

6. The Rain Committee in the Folding Chairs

   In the driest summer I can remember, a lending committee drove out to inspect my pasture and brought the first rain in forty-three days.

7. The Goat That Ate the Business Plan

   Forty pages, color tabs and one very hungry goat named Beauregard made for the shortest and most honest revision cycle in history.

8. The Steer Who Judged the Judge

   At the county fair my steer Brisket sat down on the judge's clipboard and earned the only ribbon the fair ever gave for manners.

9. The Hay Bale Pyramid That Became a Landmark

   A winter stack of round bales drew survey crews, a small-plane pilot and one very confused delivery driver to my back knoll.

10. The Mockingbird That Answered the Phone

    For one whole spring a mockingbird copied my ringtone so well that I answered the pasture instead of the bank, and he never apologized.